fart sign

We all fuck up now and then, some more than others leaving a large part of the population scratching their heads in disbelief as to the frequency for that part of the populace. I’ve done it, I am sure many of my readers have, but with the unique ability to laugh off the idiocy of the situation, by owning it, I say!

A unique little story came my way involving the gaseous passing we all have from our anus, farts. Yes farts, they can smell downright nasty especially the silent but deadly ones, be trumpet loud, or high pitched like the squeak of a mouse. They are endless in the types and just as endless in the descriptives we use for them, but they make us laugh. The story I am going to reference deals strictly with the smell factor and the unique, if not humorous way of dealing with the aroma and end result.

Being a part of the many crazy communities I am subscribed to, this one comes from;

Dear Reddit, Today I Fucked Up, or TIFU.

Today I Fucked Up is described as a community for the dumbs in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.

1. All titles must start with “TIFU”. However, your fuck-up doesn’t need to be from today. Fuck-ups must be your own.
2. Posts without context will be removed. Tell us the full story.
3. Unoriginal and non-noteworthy posts will be removed. Also, all intentionally illegal TIFUs will be removed.
4. Be civil. We’re here to laugh and have fun. All comments are subject to removal. Personal attacks, trolling, and bigotry will result in bans.
5. No personal info, no advertising, and no brigading. Posting, or seeking, any identifying personal information will result in a ban without a prior warning. This includes for yourself or other people, and refers to, but is not limited to, names, phone numbers, email addresses, facebook or other social media accounts. Reddit is not your personal army. Posts starting drama will be removed.
6. All NSFW posts must be tagged.
7. All posts involving obscene sexual situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, and assault, will be removed. Consensual situations between two, unrelated adults are acceptable.
8. Posts relating to causing the death of someone and suicides will also be removed. These stories are difficult to verify and are sensitive topics. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression and has suicidal thoughts, or if you know someone who has recently taken his or her own life, /r/suicidewatch is a more appropriate place for help.
9. Moderators reserve the right to remove content or restrict users’ posting privileges as necessary if it is deemed detrimental to the subreddit or to the experience of others.
10. TRIAL RULE: All posts centred around defecation will be removed unless it’s the weekend. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on the weekend only.
11. TRIAL RULE: All posts centred around sexual content will be removed unless it’s the weekend. These grew extremely tiresome and there was great clamor for their removal. So kindly post them on the weekend only.”

And without further adieu here you have;

TIFU by vacuuming my anusass vacuum
submitted by myideasreallysuck

This actually happened this afternoon. Not very much backstory needed for this one, however I guess I should explain myself.
Firstly – I’m lactose intolerant. Really badly lactose intolerant. If I have cheese, whey, pretty much anything with milk solids in it, I’ll start blasting with wind like an involuntary ass trumpet. Diarrhea happens occasionally as well. The issue is that I really, really like brie.
Secondly – I was home alone today. My girlfriend had gone out to lunch with her friends and I thought I’d surprise her by cleaning the house whilst she was away. Who knows? It could have led to some grateful sexy times. At it turns out though, this was never to be.
Before I started, I spotted some brie in the fridge. It wasn’t long into vacuuming that I started feeling churning. I farted a few times (relatively mildly), before an epiphany hit me: why don’t I vacuum away my farts? The smell will be contained inside the bag and potential embarrassment in the future may be avoided. Without further ado, to maximize absorption, I undid my pants the next time I felt another gas wave hit me.
So began the biggest mistake of recent memory. It turns out that between the negative pressure of a vacuum and the positive pressure of a fart, that the effect was stronger than anticipated. As the fart arrived, the gas was rapidly absorbed into the vacuum tube – along with the end segment of my large intestine.
Unsurprisingly, this hurt a fucking lot. I immediately turned off the vacuum and tried to push my sphincter back inside my ass – turns out that doesn’t work, and it also hurts a fucking lot too. Not long after, my girlfriend arrives home. I avoid explaining why I’m in the bathroom for a while, but eventually I come clean. She laughed way too much before realizing shit was serious.
I’m in hospital now, being prepped for surgery to reconstruct my ass. Seriously people – as smart as you might feel about vacuuming away your farts, just don’t do it.
TL;DR – I vacuumed out my rectum trying to contain a fart.”